Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
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Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.