The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
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I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Who.
Did.
This?
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Body by Oreos
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
much to think about
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.