My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
You Might Also Like
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.