Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
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At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Cats (2019)
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge