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Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Grow up never but we old may grow we
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem