Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
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i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
peep davidson
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
This story is comedy gold 😂
I need to update my racial profile.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Yup
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.