Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
You Might Also Like
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Somewhere in an alternate universe
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts