A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
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If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.