Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
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A classic…
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.