Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
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Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.