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Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.