Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
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Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.