I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
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We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.