“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
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bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
No Google it does not
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.