The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
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I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer