coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
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I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”