Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
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My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”