me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
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The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
had to share :’)
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese