I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
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Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
August 8
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
road rage
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…