So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
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Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
the worm is coming from inside the brain
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I have a black belt in leather
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.