When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
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[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house