HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
You Might Also Like
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]