Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
You Might Also Like
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again