I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
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Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend