Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
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* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Terribly Tuesday.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”