I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
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My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”