ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
You Might Also Like
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Still a very good boi….
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Knock Knock
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.