I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
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DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”