The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
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Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Nice try Hitler
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.