[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
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if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Become ungovernable.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about