The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
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pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”