If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
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Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey