I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
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Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves