Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
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Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.