When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
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Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.