please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
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The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.