Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
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Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland