“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
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[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
My five year plan is a meteorite
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
“I’m helping” 😅
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.