[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
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Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you