In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
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Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
🖤✌🏽
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
#ParentingFacts