When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
You Might Also Like
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!