I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
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Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.