[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
You Might Also Like
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
I unironically love this joke.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.