What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
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HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Pizza is an emotion right?
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down