When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
You Might Also Like
road rage
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Put the is in disheveled
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office