In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
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If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.