Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
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You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school