Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
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At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”