“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
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first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.