Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
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Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
this is funnier than any friends episode
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
i did the math
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping